What Good Is My Love Song

When Your Not Around To Hear It?

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What a week! I am so glad it is over! I was sick most of the week then just as I was starting to feel better on Thursday I got some crushing news. How is it that men can just turn your world upside down. Well I don't really let that happen anymore, because I just do not allow anyone to affect me in negative ways. It was not a mad thing, it was a heart' ache thing. Which brings me to.. I just do not understand men, at all. Most of my life I have been too smothering to men. It took me a long time to figure this out. Once I did figure this out I started backing off, giving them room. Well in this instance seems I gave too much room. So seems this approach for me hasn't worked either. I give up!

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You know for the past year I have really been working on me. Which is a good thing and I figured that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. But there was a certain someone who I met who was very special to me. We had a great time together every time we were together. I mean laughing so hard tears would run down my face. Every time we started to get close he would back off. The first time it happened my old smothering self flipped out. But then I learned the art of patience. He would always come back, and when he did, things were just as they were before, great, fantastic and awesome good times.

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We met after both of us had just gotten out of long, bad relationships. Guess we were each others rebounds. I had been broken up with my ex boyfriend of four years for about a month and he had just broken up with his ex girlfriend a couple of weeks before. We discussed our ex's very rarely. When he did discuss this ex, you could tell she had really hurt him. The story goes she had moved in with him, started doing drugs, staying out all night, and sleeping with his friends. Then she up and moved to California. He was confused and so openly hurt by this woman that he didn't want to get close to anyone else. Thus the reason every time we started getting close he would disappear. Like I said, I would just give him room and he always came back. This time I let it go too long without getting in touch and guess what? I got a text this past Thursday while I was at work that said his ex had moved back, he had gotten back with her. He had told her about us, which she was not very happy about and had FORBID him to talk to me.

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How does this happen? For one, she screwed over him so bad. Secondly who can FORBID anyone anything? How does this work? Doesn't that seem a little overbearing? Do men like this? Why is it that every guy I date and we go our separate ways for one reason or another, they wind up with women who run their lives? Do I give men too much freedom? I mean I just treat people the way I want to be treated. I can barely run my own life, why would I want to run another persons life? It just amazes me is these men seem to flock to this, they are okay with this. I just do not understand.

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Okay in all honesty after I received the text I started thinking negative, which I try never to do. I was thinking maybe he told me this because he just wasn't interested anymore. So...I don't know about you women out there but I did a little investigating and I saw with my own eyes. Yes, he truly was with his ex. This woman is not pretty, in fact she is rather manly looking, but you know I do know looks are not everything. So I'm thinking maybe she is a cool, sweet person. Then I remembered all the things I was told about her and how she had taken him for granted and used him. So I just do not understand.

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Anyone who knows me knows that I am a good person. I am not a bitch, though I do stand up for what I believe in. I do not allow anyone to use me, those days are gone for I am not a stupid young girl anymore. But I will go out of my way a little bit every now and then for someone I care about. But I have also learned not to do too much because that makes you become the "mother" figure and I that's not how I want to be perceived. It's just all too confusing. This woman does not deserve this handsome, hilarious, fun, happy all around good guy. She doesn't deserve him!! I always said any woman who he actually trusted enough to give his heart to would be the luckiest woman on earth. Well...looks as if he has done this, and has given it to the same person who broke it all to pieces before.

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So, I was very hurt, hurt on the inside because I know I would never treat this guy the way she has in the past. I mean I know he is not a "God" and I wouldn't treat him as one. He is just a man, but a man that I felt comfortable with from the moment I met him. You know the kind that when you first talk for the very first time it is if you have known each other for years. Someone you can do and say anything to knowing that you won't be judged and you are totally and unconditionally accepted. Sometimes we meet a man and we want to change them in some way. There is not one thing I would want this guy to change, he was perfect. I mean yea at times he was loud, obnoxiously loud, but a funny, hilarious obnoxious loud. One that would make me laugh so hard my sides would ache from laughing so much.

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All I can say is I hope this ex girlfriend knows how very lucky she is to have a man such as him and doesn't take him for granted again. But I have a feeling she will. I pray that he doesn't marry her and have children and then she pulls some of the old same stuff. At which point he will probably figure out that he doesn't deserve to be treated that way and what he thought would change didn't and what he has isn't happiness at all. Makes me sad to think such a wonderful fun, happy guy is going to be treated that way. Maybe not, maybe she has changed, but I am not convinced.

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So tell me if you think I am crazy. I really truly care for this guy. I feel as if I want to fight for him. That is something I have never felt or done before. We were good together. Usually I just chalk a relationship up to an experience and move on. But this one is different. This guy captured my heart in a way no other man ever has. Now I don't want to disrupt his life, or confront him/her at all. I am not into drama. I have always heard slow and steady wins the race. With that being said, I am not going to let him forget about me. I already have a Christmas present for him I got over the summer. It's nothing big. It is a game. He loves to figure stuff out and my girlfriend has this game and it drives her crazy trying to figure it out. So when I saw this in the store over the summer I grabbed it for him. I think it cost 10.00. Like I said nothing big. I am going to send it to him at his work. Like I said I don't want to cause drama, or disrupt his life. I just want to show him in sweet little ways that he is thought of and I have left an open door.

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So yeah, Thursday was a sad day for me. But then again I always try to be positive and I am. I know I am a good person. I know I have a heart of gold. I know that when God is ready to put a man in my life, he will. I am not out looking I am just living this life and being me. I am a happy me and I like the happy me, and that is how I am going to stay.

No Matter What :)